Jokes 2006
Jokes for 97 98 99 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 or St. Stephen's HomePage
The recent
announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good
deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about
other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of
the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels
and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.
He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the
profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase
of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at
the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for
which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North
Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language,
the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the
cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was
into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken
out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under
executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require
the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced
by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working
hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore
eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline
in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading
in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management
that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical
swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to
learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider
this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the
process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and
can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus
the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten
out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a
string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If
we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the
Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
*Happy Holidays!*
Jewish Traditions
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer
was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing
yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to
do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who
was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly
man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went
to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers
sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling
at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
Sherlock Holmes and
Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a
good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up
at the sky and tell me what you see!"
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell
you?" Holmes asked.
Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically,
I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful.
Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A Pastor was walking
past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse
for Sale." Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately
interested, and went into the shop.
The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian
stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."
The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no,"
counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you
must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse
started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not
stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."
The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home
to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the
Lord," and went riding into the countryside.
Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared
and bolted straight for a cliff.
The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one
word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed
"AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.
The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands
to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"