LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
  to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

            DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white
  bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living
  room.

            DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you
  don't.  To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad
  and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

            SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
  Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
  deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

            GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a
  week to test your ingenuity.  You must stand on your hind legs and try to
  push the lid off with your nose.  If you do it right you are rewarded with
  margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones  to consume and moldy crusts of
  bread.

            BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs
  to control body fat.  To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind
  a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
  person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

            DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their
  person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring
  blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying
  down.

            THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an
 end.  Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is
 necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, 
 rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

            WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
  and old candy wrapper.  When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
  the papers all over the house until your person comes home
 
            SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people.  After eating
  it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
  whiskers clean.

            BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the
  floor, walls and themselves.  You can help by shaking vigorously and
  frequently.

            LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!",
  especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.  This is incredibly
  effective before human black-tie events.

            BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they
  are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

            GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the
  Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective
  when combined with The Sniff.  See above.

            LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
  without restriction.  The best way you can show your love is to wag your
  tail.  If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.